Still Running

'So she woke up.  She woke up from where she was, lying still.  She said I've gotta do something, about where I'm going.'

That is pretty much how I am feeling after this weeks session in Muskegon.  

Still Running

Still:
My fear has me paralyzed.  Blogging about my internal paralysis still keeps dealing with it at arms length.  In fact, if you are reading this, you may question whether or not you should reach out.  I would love to approach you, because it is not you I am afraid of.  It is me.  What would happen if I did let the flood of emotion that I long to let out find even the smallest crack in the dam to trickle out of.  I am not even talking about a burst, I'm just talking one of those annoying drips.  Rarely in my life have my emotions been given any credit.  And so I have learned to survive with them locked up.

Running:
I know how to skirt around this issue.  I know how to retreat into a cerebral mode of coping with all of this inside of me.  I can stand before 900 people and appear to have it all together, as I hide behind the mic and the confidence of pc.  I am able to stand with others in the middle of their pain and translate into words and action an empathy which brings others comfort.  I can take all that I have learned from others pain, and my pain and 'undertsand' the things that I feel.  But there is one thing I am lacking.  To actually feel and experience my own pain.  I can say that a personal retreat, alone with God out in the woods of northern Michigan would help me to 'get in touch' with this pain.  And that my help.  My relationship with God as Father is more crystal everday.  It is not Him that I am afraid to be free with.  It is you... No, it is me.  I am afraid at what I will feel I'll look like in your eyes.